S3XinthePantry

Shhhhh….. NOT!

2010-01-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

I got this tip from my mom when Ashton was a newborn. He was sound asleep taking a nap and Mom said, “Get the vacuum and vacuum his room.”

?!

“Really, I did it for all my kids and it works.”

“Works?”

“They’ll sleep through anything.”

And the fact is, I slept through a fire alarm in the college dorms and the alarm was right outside my door. I often sleep through my alarm or work the sound of it into my dream and keep on sleeping. Even motion doesn’t faze me. If I’m in a car for awhile, I’m sound asleep.

So, I tried it. I’m not one to clean unless I really MUST. But the whole idea of being quiet and tiptoeing around a sleeping baby never existed in our house. You know the loud ‘eeeeerrrrk’ sound that packing tape makes? That was Brice’s lullaby tunes. We were moving when he was about three months old. Packing boxes in his room as he dreamed away.

All three of my kids are really good sleepers. Yeah, often they don’t want to sleep at night (topic for another post, this one is about babies) but once asleep noise won’t wake them!

Thanks, Mom!

Should I be paranoid?

2010-01-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

I have a family member who is making me semi paranoid

about blogging

should I change everything and start using a pseudonym?

avoid using William’s name or give him a cute nickname?

call my kids boy1, boy2, and little girl?

Actually, I love blogs where all the family members have cool names. But I can’t think of anything better than Lynn, William, Ashton, Brice and Cassidy (or Cassy – real original nickname, right?)

This family member (okay, it’s my brother-in-law) See? Did you see that? I can’t do mysterious!

My brother-in-law claims it could be damaging to my children someday if they google my name and discover that I actually have s3x with their father in the pantry of all places (and many other places).

But here’s my thinking. I’ve been on the internet for eons --- really, my first email with yahoo had a 4 digit numeric password --- and I have NEVER googled my mother’s name.

Have you?

Do it right now. Google your mother’s name and see if it comes back with anything scandalous. And PLEASE let me know!

A key!

2010-01-05T00:20:00.000-08:00

William went cleaning crazy over the long weekend. I’m all for making the kids clean their rooms but William went all out FlyLady clean-o-rama. Cabinets were emptied, cupboards were bared, furniture was pushed from one side of the room to the other.

He pulled the sofa cushions off and carried them into another room. and thus humiliated me into finding a vacuum / shovel and bucket to clean beneath

But when much was tossed and all was cleaned up, we scored big.
I found a key and there is only one door that was missing a key. Our little old house has doors with rusty locks that still use removable keys on the inside doors. OUR BEDROOM

We now have a key to our bedroom!

So, even though we’ve taught our kids this it doesn't always work.

We will no longer be fearful of situations like this

That first kiss of the day

2010-01-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

The first thing I want to do in the morning is kiss William

What do you guys do about morning breath?

William swears he doesn’t care / barely even notices

Most of the time I don’t either but there are times I want to chug some mouthwash.

Okay, I’m admitting on a public blog what a lazy person I am…the bathroom is just across the hall from our bedroom. If I roll on top of William (yeah, right?) and exit on his side of the bed, I’d only have to walk about 25 feet.

Still, I want to kiss. I don’t want to stop and gargle.

Mouthwash next to the bed? Then what? Swallow it? Spit it out into a bowl or a stylish spittoon?

What about those little mouth freshener papers? I like those, but are they strong enough for morning breath?

Gum?

Mouth spray?

Any suggestions?

Don’t cry over spilt kool aid

2010-01-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

This week 4 of my clients blamed their health condition on their spouse. Another lady just kept ranting on and on about her husband who placed a wrench on the mantle when she ‘had decorated it up really nice.’ She told me that wrench on the mantle was making her consider a divorce. She said, “He didn’t even notice how mad I was when he set that wrench there!” They’ve been married 30 years.

?!

William and I were in college when we married and some of the things he did drove me crazy too (and some things still do).

The first almost freak out was about kool aid and kitchen towels. Let’s face it $ was tight in college. We didn’t really have anything nice for our apartment until one of my grandma’s friends sent us these beautiful kitchen towels for a wedding present. I came home one day to find huge red stains on them, kool aid (yes, we were young when we were married).

And, it didn’t wash out.

William response was, “It’s a towel. There is no way I’m ever going to figure out if a towel is ‘special’ or not. If it is such a treasure to you, put it somewhere else, like not in the kitchen.”

And you know what? He was right! Who cares? If the worst problem of my young marriage was kool aid spots on the towel, who gives a flying fiddlestick?

From that time on, when William continued to drive me crazy, I’d have to stop and ask myself, is this a big deal? Or is this just more kool aid?

Like when he killed one of my big house plants by planting it outside.

What is ruined towels and a dead plant to a man that makes me laugh, is a great cook and (I even knew way back then) would be a great father to my kids?

So let’s use this new year to get over the small stuff

Stop getting upset about things that do not matter

But before we start, let’s get the gripes off our chest. If you want, use the comment section to get your gripes out… I’ll be the first to comment!

Love or Friendship -how do you know?

2009-12-19T03:03:00.000-08:00

My neice asked: How do I know if a guy is a really good friend or someone I really like?

She said twice friends had crushes on her and it didn't work out because she didn't like them as much. And now she's thinks she likes someone and she doesn't want the same thing to happen again. (She doesn't know if he likes her)

I had to take myself back YEARS! But, even after all this time, I remember how gut wrenching it is. Being a teen isn't easy. HS life is confusing. These problems tie your stomach up in knots!!!

I wanted to help her be calm and also tell her the truth.

The best answer I came up with is this:

When someone is your friend, you want them to be happy, no matter what. So if your guy friend really likes another girl and they get together you are totally happy for him. If you really like someone, you are crushed to think of them with someone else -it makes your blood boil and your fists clench. So, close your eyes and think of this guy. Now imagine he's with another girl.

She did it.

Her response. "Oh, !@#* I do like him."

Turning my Princess into a Clown

2009-12-17T11:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, I did it. Put me on the Mean Mommy List.

Cassie will not have ballet. And she will not even get to go to gymnastics. For three reasons:
1. I am mean & I won't let her (not, well not really)
2. Because Brice won't go to ballet or gymnastics with her (not, well sort of, but not really)
3. Because I want her (and Brice) to take a class at the same time that Ashton has Trumpet lessons so I'm not running all over the city 3 x a week to take 3 kids to 3 different things and so I can spend time making out (or more) with William (yes)

At first she really, really hated me. Because she has to learn ballet in case she wants to be a movie star.

But today was her (and Brice's) first circus class and she really liked it. "I juggled scarves and I'm going to be a little girl in the play."

Justifiable Homicide Tuesday: Suzie Q’s Mom

2009-12-16T00:06:00.000-08:00

Suzie Q, age six, was at our house during cooking time and when she had a chance to open a can of soup she said, “I’ve never opened a can by myself before.”

My back was turned to the sink and before I could finish saying, “Wait and I’ll help you—“

I was interrupted by a wailing “owwwwwa, owwwwwah, owwwwwahhhhh!”
She pulled the lid off herself and sliced into a finger.

Comfort, pressure, call the mom.

Guess what? No answer at Suzie Q’s home. [Can I just say right now I hate it when parents leave their six year olds to wander the neighborhood? I also hate it when kids are at my home and their parents don't know where they are and I don't know where the parents are! Grrrrr!]

Call the mom’s cell phone.

Me: Suzie Q’s finger is cut and you need to come get her

The non-Mom: Ummm… will you please hold on a second?

(pause of about 30 seconds)

The non-Mom: I think the thing to do in this case is apply steady pressure for 10 to 20 minutes

Me thinking –oh, did you just google ‘what to do about cuts’ on your phone while I waited?

Me: She’s really upset. The gash is uneven. We’re applying pressure. You need to come home & get her.

The non-Mom: Let me talk to her.

She talked to Suzie Q AND HUNG UP without checking back in with me!!!

Suzie Q continued to bleed despite constant pressure and elevation and even ice. I called The non-Mom after 10 minutes, after 20 minute, after 30 minutes. She came after 45 minutes. I called later to check up on Suzie Q and the non-Mom said, “It still would stop bleeding, not even for me, I ended up taking her to the clinic for stitches.”

Again, it’s not like me to wish a kid motherless, but I kind of think poor Suzie Q already is.

Happy Hour Friday

2009-12-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

I'm following Otin's lead and posting some Friday happiness.

I'm happy that people are still reading this blog, even though I haven't posted in days!

I'm happy that Sara without an h got her SITS day

I'm happy that Dear Mr. Man is back to blogging again

I'm happy that all 3 of my children managed to get through their winter performances at school without falling off stage, starting a fight, or wetting their pants.

I'm happy that I managed to stay cool during the entire performance even though William was touching me - holding my hand, rubbing my neck, tickling the inside of my arm and I really wanted to throw him on the floor and jump on top of him. but I didn't because I know it damage my kids if we were hauled out of our kids' school in handcuffs. (If only we still lived in my hometown and the performance were in my high school, I would have know a few closets we could of hid out in!)

I'm happy that I've never ever gotten a ticket for any 'out and about' adventures (though I was caught and questioned 2x)

I'm happy our heater is working (but sad we're not sneaking home in the middle of the day to check the heat)

I'm happy we're going to abandon the kids at the movie theatre this weekend so we can make out in the car, go shopping, make out in the car, go shopping, make out in the car, go shopping. Okay we haven't exactly figured out what we're doing when the kids are at the movies with their grandparents (I love my inlaws!) but it will be some combination of shopping and kissing!

Checking the Heat

2009-12-03T12:45:00.000-08:00

Normally I would think having a heater on the fritz could work to our advantage.

There are some seriously FUN ways to stay warm, right?

Our heater working only half the time was just one major issue to deal with this week and I'm surprised at how we've changed from being so Thankful last week to this week of STRESSNESS. Taking showers at the gym with the yucky too strong showers that practically blow my nips across the room, don't adjust for temperature, and spray so strong my clothes hanging 4 feet away get wet...turns me into a B-!

But yesterday something great happened. William decided to come home EARLY to make sure the heater didn't do its usual trick of shutting down hours after the repairman claims it fixed.

And I decided to come home early because I didn't think that William would be home to check it.

And -wonder of wonders- we were both home ALONE an hour before the kids came home from school. The heater had died again. There was no hot water.

Who knew a heating fail could be so wonderful??

Before calling the repairman, we enjoyed some private time at home! There is just something great about s3x in the early afternoon!!!

BTW heater is fixed as of this morning....but I think we should still find time to come home and "check the heat" once in awhile, right?

Speaking of Thanking

2009-11-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

There I was talking with my mil and fil about s3x.

We discussed the time that she pulled him into "one of those shops" "just to look around"

Somewhere in the conversation my mil said, "I don't thank"
I didn't understand.
She said, "I'm not a thanker"

I clarified - it was a 'th' not an 's'

Then I figured it out. She doesn't say "thank you" afterwards.

I think that I am a thanker, not every time, not in any sort of dramatic way but sometimes in a playful way. But whenever I say it, I mean it every time.

Still, it's not like we have a rule or any expectation of what will be said before, during, and after.

I found her comments something to think about.

The way she said she was a NOT a thanker made me feel a little bit embarrassed to admit that I was, until I realized my s3x partner is her son and every mother wants her son to be well 'thanked' right? So I gave William his praise and told her I'm a thanker.

I have a lot to be thankful for today!!

No More Food Wars

2009-11-25T13:51:00.000-08:00

Want a more peaceful home? Stop fighting about food.

Really! If your toddler won’t eat, don’t worry. If you’re preschoolers being picky about food, stop stressing. If your elementary school kid seems to need seconds (or thirds) for a week, don’t sweat it. If your teenager stops eating breakfast, just chill.

We want our kids to eat healthy and grow strong. But sometimes they know better than we do. I often tell parents, “Don’t force your child to eat something unless you really want to clean if off the floor when it comes back up.”

In my opinion, respecting a child’s eating preferences goes along with respecting themselves and their bodies. It is taking a step back and saying, “you are in control of you and no one is allowed to force you to do anything.”

Did I just say, cook you child whatever he wants to eat for every meal? No
Did I say let your child starve? No
Did I say I think it is totally cool if your kid will only eat red food for a year? Double No.

Of course medical issues need to be taken up with your pediatrician. If your infant isn’t eating enough. If your toddler had failure to thrive. If your pre-school child has food aversions. If your school child has diabetes or autism or allergies. If your teenager is heading for anorexia. All of this must be taken into account.

But for the most part, most of the time, kids’ food preference and the amount of food that they eat varies. A toddler may not be able to tell you that they don’t feel well. But you’ll sure find out if you force a bunch of food down their throat.

The best advice I have is:
1. Offer a wide range of healthy foods and snacks through the day
2. Let kids be involved in the food preparations
(when they get older they’ll cook for you, how cool is that?)
3. Make mealtimes / snack times fun
4. Don’t go to battle over what they chose to eat or not eat.

ENJOY!!

Justifiable Homicide Tuesday - Movie Lady

2009-11-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

This feature was started by Vodka Logic

I was going to write another post like this one about some unparents I know, but instead I'm going to rant about the lady who sat one row behind us on Saturday.

It was a kids movie. But hey, that doesn't mean William and I can't kiss a little -right? Our kids were a few seats away from us . . . looking at the screne.

Well kiss number one, she cleared her throat. When we didn't stop she said, "Please, give me a break." In this kind of voice said she might vomit.

Next kiss she sighed and siad, "This is a children's movie." And I have to say that she was drawing more attention to us than we were to ourselves.

Okay, I know everyone doesn't stop and watch people kiss with a big grin on their face like I do. But we were in a dark movie theatre. We weren't trying to put on a show. She made it a big deal.

Really!

We try to sit in the crying room - this place didn't have one. Or the back row. It was full.

Still did she have to zero in on us? With every kiss? And make a big loudmouth comment?

Couldn't she do what 99% of the rest of th people in the room were doing and look up at the movie?

We varied the timing and lenght of our kissing. And, okay I'll admit it, a few times I started kissing William to see what she would say next.

She was a pain. The worst ever (well, except that time we were stopped by a police officer, but that's a different post).

I'm sure she thinks we were out of line.

What do you think??

knock knock!

2009-11-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

If you have a toddler in your home, this is the perfect time to teach them to knock on closed doors. A wonderful thing about toddlers is that they like to copy what you do. So start knocking.

Knock on the front door when you come home before getting out your key.

Knock on their bedroom door before you take them in for naptime / nighttime

Knock on the bathroom door before bath time

Especially teach your toddler to knock on mommy and daddy’s door – on ALL bedroom doors

And keep playing and practicing and let’s hope this good habit will last a lifetime!!

Don’t make a mess

2009-11-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

When you have preschoolers in the house, they notice things.

This is the age when something out of context triggers their interest. It is not the greatest trait when busy parents are trying to get a little action whenever and wherever they can.

So, busy parents, I warn you. Learn from my mistakes! If you’re going to have a stripfest s3x time in the living room, try you best to wake up before your preschooler(s). If you don’t and you hear the phone ring, really really try to pick up the phone before your four-year-old.

If you do, you may prevent your son from telling your parents: No I don’t know where Mommy is, but her and Daddy’s clothes were all over the living room floor. Oh, there they are sleeping on the sofa.

This happened years ago and is another one of my favorite Brice memories. He pestered me for a whole day why he has to pick up things off the floor in his room, but we threw our clothes on the floor.

PS thank god my mom is soooo cool!

Justifiable-Homcide-Tuesday on Wednesday - Lynn Gone Mad!

2009-11-18T12:06:00.001-08:00

I've never got into the "do this thing on a certain day" blog schedules, because I'm not that organized.

But when I noticed Vodka Logic's Justifiable Homicide feature I began looking forward to Tuesday. Because a whole lotta parents who been leaving their kids running wild(actually hanging at my house) have been makin' me wanna bust somethin'

For those of you who are wondering this is NOT a guest blogger - just Lynn gone mad! Really mad!

I know my blog is all about lovin' & stuff. But some people! And there's enough going on to give me Justifiable Homicide posts for the whole rest of the year! So, even though I missed yesterday. I've gotta let off some steam.

Here's my top pick. I'd never wanna make a kid an orphan, but these two fools are on the top of my list: The parents of Little Joe

Little Joe is 10 years old. He hangs out at our house all the time. William and I are actually fine with a bunch of kids being over our house all the time. The kids aren't any problem -it's their parents!

Little Joe's parents are splitting up. I have no problem with that. Lots of folks split up.

But they are still living together
and stepping out on each other
and fighting night and day with each other.

Little Joe dropped by right when we're heading out and I say, "Little Joe, run ask your parents if you can come with us." He takes off down the street and zooms back: "My Mom says I can go, but my Dad says I can't."

It's like that for EVERYTHING! What's a kid supposed to do? I had to leave him. Sorry, but I'm not taking a kid in my car without their parents' permission (especially these parents).

So last weekend, he's over our house late and William's asleep, so I walk Little Joe home. It's only a block but I'm not letting a kid leave my house without making sure he is home safe. We get to his driveway and I tell him I wanna make sure he's in the house. He surprises me by pulling out his key.

It's 10:45 on a Friday night!

Remember, he's TEN YEARS OLD!!!

So I ask Little Joe, where's your Ma?
Answer: With her boyfriend.

Where's you Dad?
At his girlfriends'.

Who is watching you?
My brother.

Sigh of relief. His brother is almost 17.

Is he at home?
No, he's over at his girlfriend's. He always comes home by midnight though.

I call his brother to come back home.

But I really want to call his mom and his dad and tell them - ACT LIKE GROWN UPS!!!

Instead I'm offering them up for my first post - swim with the fishes you unmom & undad!

(Is it really weird that it feels so good to post this?)

Kissfest

2009-11-11T02:29:00.000-08:00

It’s time to start a kissfest

I mean real live worldwide massive kiss craziness

Whoever it is that you kiss

Kiss them more

Kiss them longer

Kiss them when they least expect it

Kiss them where they least expect it

What makes a kiss memorable? The kiss itself? The place? Witnesses?

Here’s a favorite kiss memory of mine:

William and I were friends before we got together. I was in his dorm room and somehow ended up in his arms. He made his move by kissing me on the forehead. I looked at him and knew we were going to kiss. So I said, “stand up.” (how romantic, right? Yes I was bossy even then so he knew what he was getting into from the start.) But William didn’t ask questions he just stood up and so did I and we had this amazing and really long mushy kiss about halfway through the kiss (how do you tell with a kiss that long anyway?) the door to the room opened and in walked his roommate and one of my ex boyfriends. William didn’t stop kissing and neither did I.

Share a kiss memory in the comments section if you like.

The car wash

2009-11-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

I nominate the car wash -it was my number one make-out spot today.

Don’t you love it? All dark and sudsy, the sounds of the water, the pounding and shaking of the car as those scrubbers go at the tires, dark and discrete when the big floppy brushes come down...perfect!

Ahhh, I love a little kissing in the car wash!

What place would you nominate?

Not now, Mommy & Daddy R s3xting

2009-11-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

OOPS!

My middle monster (Brice) ran off without checking with me. I was fuming. I didn’t want to be the Mom calling around for my kid. (As you know we like having the entire neighborhood and their pets at our place).

I was considering how much time to give him & where to start looking when my phone beeped that message came in.

Ashton (my 12 yo), closest to my phone, reaches for it

Me: You might not want to read that…

Ashton: Maybe it’s from Brice

(I see him push the button to show messages)

Me: Maybe it’s from Daddy

Ashton: So?

Me: Maybe he’s writing something s3xy.

Ashton: (not quite believing me, but reads anyway) Gross!

Well, he can’t say I didn’t warn him!

And before the Ashton recovered, Brice was back home!

There are a lot of s3xting definitions on the web. In case you are wondering how far we go:

Definition 1: Sending text messages that are s3xy (YES!)

Definition 2: Sending a message with the hopes of having a s3xual encounter later (Yes, Yes!)

Definition 3: Sending nude or semi-nude photos (A GREAT BIG NO!!!)

What is with some people?

2009-11-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

Really! I really want to know what is with some people! Do I have a brightly lit neon sign pointing to my house from miles around that says “Sucker Lives Here” or “Lynn’s house 2 miles on the left, bring your children, bring your injured, your weary, your RATS !”

I’ll leave the injured, neglected, and weary for another post.

Today I’m blogging about the rats!

We had our annual Halloween party. This is a party for kids. And it’s turned into something big. People don’t wait for invitations any more, they call up a few weeks ahead of time to make sure we’re having it. Some of the regular kids just assume they will spend the night.

We love costumes, trick or treating, pouring healthy pumpkin stew down their throats and some fruit to counteract the candy. And listening to them laugh and play until after midnight.

We have it down to a science.

This year we got the craziest calls:
Some we’re used to like:
Can I bring my younger (sister / brother(s)) or can I bring my older (sister / brother(s))
Can you pick up our kid for the party/?
Can you drive our kid home from the party –Halloween night or the next day?

But this year we got two calls to see if we had an extra costume – the answer is YES
Many calls to see if we would do the make-up – YES again

One crazy person who asked me if I would let her three kids bring their dog. “He’s little” and “He gets so worked up on Halloween night” (now that I think of it, he probably gets afraid and pees in their house) and “We have an adult party to attend.”

NO!! [Are you proud of me? I actually said, “No!”]

Because, hmmm…let me think, I have more than a dozen kids to worry about (three of them are yours), my own dog to consider, and YOUR DOG IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!

Geez!

And I thought that would be the strangest event of the night. Until I was out picking up one of our guests and returned home to find a couple of boys were dropped off while I was away. They had their costumes, their sleeping bags, and their pet rats. Yes, two boys and three live rats.

I love William. I love William. Yes, I love William. “But why did you let them bring the rats?”

“Well, it’s Halloween,” he said.

Yeah. It’s Halloween.

What have I been saying?

2009-10-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

Here is a wall street journal article about titles Housework pays off between the sheets

I would elaborate but after reading the article my house could use a little dusting!

What if?

2009-10-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

What if your loved one just isn’t all that into being passionate anymore?
This is the #1 question sent to my inbox.

I have some ideas; but I want to start out by staying I’m not an expert on relationships or a doctor or anything. I started this blog to share ideas for passion in the midst of every day busy life (especially for parents). Because I think William and I are pretty lucky and have come up with some great ideas and often when I get to talkin’ with the girls they say “I never thought of that” and “you should write a book”

Question:
1. Do you already know what the problem is? Because often people will complain about something (my husband doesn’t want to have sex) and say they don’t know what the problem is, when they already know what the problem is. Do you? Come on, let’s hear it… have you done any of the following:
a. Insult your loved ones body?
b. Insult his / her love making skills?
c. Commented on his / her weight, body odor, or breath?
d. Have you been the one saying “no” and now that you want a little, you love may be retaliating?
e. Have you two been fighting about anything else?

Because, if you know the answer to any of the above….then you know how to solve this little issue without my tips, right?

For the rest of you, read on:

Tips
1. Start with something else. Sure you want to jump in the sack. Your love has been putting on the breaks or avoiding it. Start by connecting in some other way. Go for a walk. Hang out together. If you are having a very difficult time getting your loved ones attention (she blogs too much? He’s gaming all the time?) stop whatever you do and join in with what your love is doing.

2. Compliments. Not insincere fast ‘hey baby, u hot, let’s get it on!’ But real and true telling of what you love about your love. Say it.

3. Believe what s/he says. Even if you think it’s a cop-out. If she says she has no time because of work, laundry, dishes, homework…HELP get that stuff done. If he says he has a headache…buy his favorite pain killer, research headaches, check and see if he needs to see his doctor.

4. Be willing to indulge your partner. Think about what s/he is saying ‘no’ to and what it would take to turn that ‘no’ into a ‘yes’

5. Share memories. Especially steamy sexy fun memories. “Hey remember that time…. I really loved that.”

And, saving the best for last, you could try this:

The SHOWER TRICK
Wait for your love to get in the shower
Wait a half a minute so you know that the water is just right
Your love is sudsy and soapy
And then walk into the bathroom
Lock the door to keep the critters out
Open the shower curtain or shower door
Wait for the look of surprise on your loved ones face
And then
Quickly move your eyes to stare at their body
Keep staring and say
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you were in here,” and keep staring in a complimentary way. And then say, “You look (fill in the blank with what your love would want to hear). I’m going to be thinking of you all day.”
And then let the shower curtain fall (or close the shower door) and walk away.
Don’t go too far, I’m hoping that your love will call you back and invite you in the shower!

A girl, A boy, and a magazine

2009-10-20T03:28:00.000-07:00

I kind of feel like my world is upside down right now

The girl

Yesterday I spent some time with my 13 yo niece. I haven’t seen her since summer and I was not prepared for the shock that met my eyes: black eye liner, eye shadow, slightly padded bra and when she bent over –yeah you guessed it – T-bars.

First off, I am all for style and letting kids express themselves.

I was just shocked because it seemed like a BIG change in just a few short months.

When I asked her about her new look, she answered like it was obvious, “I want boys to like me.”

My heart broke. This was my tree climber, pancake flipper, saver of lost dogs and threatened insects (she’s been known to try to capture all the flies in the house before her father wacks them)

I love personal style and unique looks. But shouldn’t a kid pick a look because THEY like it?

But tell me, do any 13 year old boys tell their classmates –I’d really like you better if you had a bit more eyeliner?

The boy

The flip side is my Ashton. He was sitting in the backseat with two buddies and we stopped at a red light. They all noticed a girl walking across the street. At the time, I thought she was 15 or 16, but maybe she was younger. One of the boys made a comment to Ashton and he said something to the effect, “I could never get a girl like that.”

I was pretending not to listen.

Half of me wanted to say – you are so special you can be with any amazing wonderful beautiful female

And the other half was thinking – girls are not meant to be ‘got’

The magazine

Last night I was in a waiting room flipping through a magazine (it was a couple of years old) and there was an article about guys telling their greatest turn ons. One guy said (paraphrasing) I knew I was going to dump my girlfriend soon and decided I should have sex with her one more time. I was just uninhibited and let myself go and it was the best sex ever.

!

His best sex (and the only time he was himself in bed with her) was with someone he didn’t want to see again?!

So, here’s the truth:

I don’t want my niece never to go out with boys

I don’t want my son to think an attractive girl won’t be attracted to him

But, more than that - - - I want them (and all kids) to grow up learning to form positive relationships. I hope they will have great friends of both genders and when they do have crushes and relationships it will be with people who they have a lot in common with, who bring out the best in them, and who they feel truly comfortable around.

I hope that they never grow up to be like that guy in the magazine.

Sink S3X

2009-10-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

I received a couple of emails after the last post about sink sex.

It’s basically just a variation on up-against-the-wall with the convenience of leaning over the sink.

Our favorite place for sink s3x is the bathroom, but the technique works anywhere –well, anywhere you have a sink… kitchen / laundry / wherever.

Some of the many advantages of sink s3x

1. Mirrors
2. Doors that lock (in the case of bathrooms) to keep little monsters out
3. Perfect place for the quickest of all quickies – you can even have sink s3x in the guest bathroom if you’re hosting a party (really, it works)

CAUTION: Don’t try this at a hotel

2009-10-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

This may have been our most expensive s3xcapade, so far!

Years ago when Cassie was a baby and the boys were about 3 & 6, we moved.

It was a big move. I ended up in the new town with the kids weeks before William. We were holed up in a cheap hotel doing fun things like school registration and vehicle registration and trying not to lose my mind living with three kids in a hotel room, when William surprised me with a weekend visit. Surprise!

There was barely enough room for me and the kids in that room. And when they were sleeping, there was no way we could….you know.

So, off to the bathroom (one of our favorite places anyway). But we didn’t pick the shower or go for sink s3x. No, we made the mistake of reclining on the throne together.

All was well in the world, until William felt a pinch on his butt. Next there was a hard plastic snap . When we were able to inspect the surroundings we found the toilet seat was not as strong as our home model.

The lid was broken completely off.

Despite the butt pinch and the plastic snap , we had no complaints. The kids didn’t wake up. We were together for a weekend. Everything was perfect.

When we checked out, we admitted the damage. “The lid to the toilet seat came off. We’re responsible. We need to pay for it.”

This required the attention of a manager. He had to consult his list. We weren’t worried. It was a cheap-o toilet seat. It couldn’t cost much, right?

Manager: I’ll add the $65.00 to your bill

Us: ?! What ?!

William: That is not a $65.00 toilet seat. I could get a toilet seat down the road at home-fix-it-store.

Manager: They’re special, to fit on our toilets. You can only get them through one supplier.

I felt myself get tense, clenched my jaws, try to think of something to say ...

William said, “No problem” to the manager, like we go around paying damages to hotel rooms all the time. And he nudged me and said, “It was worth it.”

Her name is … what?

2009-10-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Some of you will remember my post about
Aston mishearing the words to a song

Well his younger brother and sister are following in his footsteps.

I loaded Brice and Cassy in the car yesterday and had this conversation:

Cassy: Mom can you play the song about the girl?

Me: No children’s music in this car

Cassy: It’s a radio song. About ‘love me – love me’ and then they say the girls name

Me: (wondering if she really thinks I have radio superpowers)

Brice: Oh, I know that song. Her name is Paparazzi.

Me: ?!

Cassy: Right. Papa-papa – rat- zi!

Brice: But it’s a boys name. They say, “I’ll follow HIM until HE loves me. Paparazzi.”

Cassy: I’m going to name my girl Paparazzi

Me: ?!

Brice: It's a boys name

Cassy: And my boy Pokerface

So, dear blog readers, if we ever meet in the future I may one day introduce you to my grandkids – Paparazzi and Pokerface!

Free FUN

2009-10-02T07:51:00.000-07:00

These difficult financial times suck for everyone....so I’ve come up with a list of 10 free ways to have fun.

Give some a try & please add your own ideas in the comment section for others. Let’s all save more money and have more FUN!

1. Go for a walk
2. Play a board game – you still have board games, don’t you?
3. Eat outside – you’re going to eat anyway --- go outside in the yard, balcony or bring everything to a park
4. Go to the park – swing on the swings, slide down the slide, play tag
5. Got dirt? Water? Have a mud fight. Yeah, really. I dare you!
6. Pull out those old CDs, pin drives, (photo albums if you’re that old) and look at pictures together
7. Massage
8. Stare at the stars, wake up in the middle of the night and go to a window or go outside and just enjoy the universe
9. Cook together – make a great meal and share it by feeding each other
10. Go on a long drive together (okay, not free given the cost of gas, so I’ll add another one to my list) but drive somewhere without being in a hurry, take time to talk, look around, make-out in the car. Ahhhh… making out in a car, how long has that been?
11. Talk. Turn off everything – TV, computers, cell phones, etc…, turn out the lights, light a candle and just talk. Share happy memories from childhood. What did you love when you were a kid that you wish you did more of? Can you find a way to incorporate it into your adult world?

When I was a kid, I LOVED to climb trees. I lived in trees during the summer. Up in a tree away from the world, I'd read books, draw, sing and, of course, spy on everyone down below. Trees were my perfect place to be. I've climbed trees with all three of my kids throughout the years, but I don't think William and I have ever scaled a tree togehter. Maybe we should try that for our free fun!!

The D word

2009-09-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Brice was about five and during dinner he blurted out, “Mom, Dad, I hope you two never get adopted.”

William gave me the What the hell is this kid talking about? look.

But, somehow, I knew. “You mean divorced?”

“Right, divorced. I hope you two never get divorced.”

“I hope we don’t either,” I said.

And that was that.

Until about six months ago. Brice, now nine, had more questions and he wanted me to make promises. A friend was over with her three kids –all six kids were running wild. Brice wandered into the kitchen and asked. “Are you and Daddy ever going to get a divorce?”

Me: I don’t think so.

Brice: Do you promise?

Me: No

Brice: Promise. Promise. Promise.

Me: Honey, I can’t promise you that. Me and Daddy love each other tons. I can’t imagine living without him. But people do get divorced. I think it is important that Daddy and I love each other the best we can each and every day. So if things don’t work out we know we did our very best.

After he ran off to play, my friend said she totally disagreed with what I said.

It really made me wonder. Brice is my second child, but he’s so different from Ashton, it’s like I’m learning to parent all over again each time he reaches a new stage.

The truth is when kids ask us questions, the answers may change depending on our mood and what we have going on. But something about his voice, his worry, made me want to open up and be very honest with him. I don’t think William and I will split up. But I’ve had many friends and relatives break up ---for some it was a mutual “this isn’t working” kind of thing and others were completely taken by surprise.

But my friend was alarmed by the conversation I had with Brice.

My friend: I would never say that to a child. How can you tell him that you might get a divorce?

Me: I didn’t say we might get a divorce, I just didn’t promise that we wouldn’t.

My friend: When (the name of her two daughters) asked me, I told them they never had to worry about it.

For awhile, I wondered if I caused Brice to worry unnecessarily. (Do we EVER stop wondering if we’re damaging our children????)

Yesterday, my friend called. Her and her husband are separating. The reason she and the kids are moving is because of financial stress. I hope things turn around for them soon. I really love them both and think they make a great team.

What do you think? For those of you who are married (or in committed relationships / partnerships / living together) do your kids ask you about the D word?

What did you say?

When there’s a newborn in the house

2009-09-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

The second an infant enters the home, life is never the same again. Ahhh… babymoons.
It doesn’t matter if it is the first or tenth newborn you bring into the home –both parents and siblings fall under complete control of The Infant.

The Infant is programmed with many tricks. For example:

The time warp: Time spent staring into The Infants beautiful face, even when The Infant is sleeping, especially when The Infant is sleeping.

The sleep hold: The Infant will fall asleep on your chest, rendering you motionless.

The faux emergency cry: The Infant senses when parents’ foreplay reaches the tipping point and lets out the faux emergency cry. The cry is just loud and long enough to seem urgent. And then isn’t repeated. At the best of times, this cry has a rebound effect on both parents. They think, “That was probably nothing,” and pause to wait for the next cry. Then –REBOUD- they worry, “that was a serious cry. Why isn’t The Infant crying more?” Whereby both parents take one step apart (or the equivalent of one step if they are in a non-vertical position) and rush to check on The Infant. The Infant will be sleeping, but don’t be fooled. The infant knows you are watching. At the worst of times the faux emergency cry reaches only one parent. It’s a terrible scene –one lover not wanting to take that one step back, murmuring, “The Infant will be fine,” rubbing, rocking, pleading and the other parent taking that step back, rushing off to check on The Infant.

In addition to being under the influence of The Infant, pregnant sex is over. Glorious, wonderful, sensual, worry free, pregnant sex is gone the moment The Infant arrives.

There is hope!

Yes, you must gaze upon the infant and you mustn’t miss an opportunity to let the infant nap on your chest. And, of course you have to check on the infant when you hear an emergency cry, even if it is a faux emergency cry.

Here are some tips to maintaining (or finding) romance even while you are living in the clutches of The Infant.

1. No fighting about The Infant – (see s3xy laundry post – the same advice for housework applies to childcare. It sound odd, but it is true). Here’s the deal. The person you love and created (or adopted) this infant with loves The Infant as much as you do, trust them to take excellent care of the infant and they will.

2. Nothing else matters – care of The Infant, care of other children, your basic health and wellness. Nothing else matters during this time. Not house cleaning, not sending thank you notes for the babyshower, not posting a million zillion pictures of The Infant on FB.

3. Kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Kiss as often as you can. Think of your interrupted desires as extended foreplay.

4. And when baby is sleeping, and other kids are cared for, refer to number two above. Don’t pull out the vacuum, call a friend, or check your email. Find your love and have fun (before The Infant can let out another faux emergency cry!)

These are just a few little tips and though I’ve had three infants, it’s been awhile for me and William. Please share your tips for fellow parents in the comments section. Thank you!

S3xy Laundry

2009-09-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

No this is not a post about lingerie so if you’re looking for that, you’ll have to click somewhere else. Yes, click off. (Yes, I just said that)

But don’t leave if you want to know about laundry S3x in the pantry style.

I am a laundry sorter freak. They might have self-help classes for people like me. I sort by color. Not darks and lights and whites. I have a black load. And a red load. Even a pink load.

And I sort by category. I separate towels from everything else. Sheets have their own stack. So do table linens. But towels get hypercategorized – white towels are one load (yes, they are), and kitchen towels aren’t ever washed with bath towels (no way!)

But I have this other philosophy about housework too and that is ---PAY ATTENTION this could save your life – okay, make your marriage a little more peaceful.

Where was I?

Lynn’s advice to save your life marriage / partnership: If the person you love wants to do housework let him / her do it as they like. Yes, however they like. H3ll, they are doing housework. Back off.

So even when our tikes were little and I wanted the baby clothes washed with the baby detergent, I shut my mouth because William (who I love) was doing laundry!
And these days when he and I both tackle the mountain of clothes that used to be a laundry room he doesn’t go for my categories and subcategories. He swiftly combines the pinks and reds. He mixes darks with jeans (okay, jeans are one load too. I’m weird, I admit it)

But today I broke a rule. I saw him place a tablecloth in with a load of sheets. (Tablecloth in with the sheets –Oh No!) I opened my big mouth.

Me: You can’t put a tablecloth in there

Wm: Why not?

Me: Because it’s with the sheets.

Wm: So?

Me: That’s like an eating thing with a sleeping thing.

Wm: Why does it even matter, they are getting clean?

Me: Because the sheets are like, you know. And the tablecloth – we EAT on the
tablecloths.

Wm: Lynn, we do it on the sheets, I get it. But what if…

-and I knew what he was thinking –

Wm (continued): What if? We… do it on the kitchen table?

I forgot all about laundry for a moment. It has been awhile since we’ve done it on the kitchen table. (We’ve found a hideout in the pantry thanks to these kids of ours).

My mind flashed back – It wasn’t the most comfortable place we’ve done it or the most practical, but it was fun. We should tackle the table again!

And, of course, wash the tablecloth immediately afterwards –in a load of its own!

He loves me even when I am stupid

2009-09-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago (or maybe more than that) it was obvious my car craved an oil change. No sweat. Call, schedule, take it in. It’s not rocket science, just a simple formula to get things done, everything from dentist appointments to school physicals to haircuts. It is part of normal life.

Call

Schedule

TAKE THE CAR TO GET THE OIL CHANGED

Somehow, the call part slipped my mind. Then when I finally did schedule, the appointment slipped my mind.

I got in the habit of thinking I would call about the car and keeping several bottles of oil in the trunk just in case.

Today was hurry hurry busy because I had to juggle all three kids going to the dentist. When I left work to meet them at school early, my car was crying for oil.

I slosh a double serving of oil into the car, zoom off to get the kids, take them to the dentist. I ignore the smell coming from the engine because – well, I probably just splashed oil, right?

No cavities! X3!

After the dentist, I notice that the oil isn’t “burning off.” It smells like something is burning up.

At home I popped the hood and found that oil had splashed everywhere. Yes, splashed OUT

How can it splash out, Lynn? you may ask. Didn’t you put the cap on tightly?

What a good question, thoughtful reader. Let me examine.

No, I did not put the oil cap on tightly because I didn’t put it on AT ALL!

Of course, I have to admit my failure to William.

After one of our nonsensical Q&A sessions where we mostly don’t understand each other (He wanted to know where the oil cap was. Amazingly, so did I.)

He said, “I’ll go get you another one.”

Instead of going on a run, William bought me a new oil cap and added more oil. He then drove off in my car. I thought he was going to the gym but when he returned too soon and not stinky, I knew he didn’t work out.

“I noticed you needed gas so I filled it up. I also ran it through the car wash.”

I can’t tell you how turned on I am right now!!!

Be nice to the ones you love, even when they make mistakes.

Two Awards

2009-09-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank two readers for honoring S3XinthePantry with very cool awards. I am amazed to have this attention, being such a new blog!!!

The Redhead Ritter selected this blog for the Superior Scribbler Award.

The rules and the blogs I passed the award to are below.

Laura at Vodka Logic honored me with the Zombie Chicken Award

I did some research about the Zombie Chicken Award and found this beautiful description:

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to other worthy bloggers.

Sharing the love!
Here are two blogs I pass the Zombie Chicken Award to:

Ashley at Place of Moxie – I love the fun and adventure you share with The Bad Boy and the honesty with which you write about mommyhood. I would brave zombie chickens to read your blog.

Dear Mr. Man who blogs his heart out even while living 5 days a week away from his wonderful family. Let those zombie chickens try to peck and scratch --- I’ll find a way to read your blog somehow.

No pressure guys, the rules are easy: Post the Award on your blog and give it to whoever you like!

I’m still getting to know everyone in blogville, (I feel like the new geek in the neighborhood sometimes) so it isn’t easy to pick only 5 to pass the super scribbler award to.

Here are the rules for the Superior Scribbler:
• Each Superior Scribbler must pass The Award on to 5 Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. To keep a list of everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor.
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog

I'm passing this along to the following Superior Scribblers:

Sarah and the goon squad
Sparkly tiara
Eric at Oh My God I’m a Daddy!
Lorie Shewbridges
Midlife Slices

Thanks to everyone who has read, sent emails, written, and commented on this blog!!

No time for S3x – Impossible!

2009-09-06T03:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some snipits from my inbox & comment threads:

“At the end of the day, I’m just too exhausted to even think about doing it.”

“We had time when we both worked days, but now he’s working night shift and we never see each other.”

“…the house, the yard, the kids, he does his thing, I do mine, we don’t even sit next to each other when we watch TV anymore.”

Yes! We all get tired – life is busy, busy, go-go-go!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

First of all, if you REALLY don’t have time, there’s nothing wrong with a quickie now and then. Do you honestly think when William and I get alone in the pantry it goes on for hours? No! This is a quickie before dinner or getting it on while the kids are running around outside.

Second of all – you really have more time than you think. To my TV reader --- if you have time to watch TV, you have time for sex. If he’s not sitting by you – sit by him! Sit in his lap!

Here are some other ideas for those short of time:
1. The “sex alarm clock” If you go to bed after midnight, exhausted (too exhausted to brush your teeth even) and there is no way you can get it on. Even if you (or your lover) has to wake up early, set a sex alarm. The sex alarm wakes you up an hour or so before your normal wake up time. Or it can wake you two hours after you’ve gone to sleep –you can have “middle of the night sex” and then go back to sleep and wait for the morning alarm. Keep some mouthwash next to the alarm, because after all you didn’t even brush your teeth before going to bed.

2. Shower together. You’re going to take a shower and your love is going to take a shower. Combine the showers together – help each other get clean and wow – look at the time…. The time for shower number two can be best spent together. (or for you clean freaks, get it on first and clean up in the shower after)

3. Lunch time. If one goes to work and the other is at home – can you meet for lunch? Yes? Do you both work anywhere near each other that you could meet for lunch? Meet half way?

4. I would never encourage anyone to use their sick time if they weren’t sick, but if you both just happened to get sick on the same day (wouldn’t that be nice?) and had to leave work only a bit early (not too big of a hit to the paycheck if you don’t have sick time) and both ended up at home at the same time and before the monsters get home from school. Wouldn’t it be great if you didn’t feel too sick to get naked and crawl into bed together? Okay, you can use vacation time if you have to. Or get to work late in the morning and stay later at work to make up the time.

5. Get your kids on a schedule. Get them to bed at a certain time. Even if they manage to stretch it an hour later… you still have time between their bedtime and your bedtime to be with your love.

6. See my past tip the movie rule If you have time to watch a movie (or sport event, or TV show) you have time to …

7. See my past tip no TV if you have kids young enough to be influence (bribed) by TV / movies.

8. Share your tips!

What else works? Share your tips!!

The truth among friends

2009-09-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

Three of my friends are teachers and on Thursdays they have late meetings at school and, since my house is walking distance from the school, their kids are friends with my kids, and they trust me to watch them my house is stuffed with kids on Thursdays.

Never a problem. Actually, I kind of like it.

Until last Thursday –the day that William returned home.
The kids were great. Two out of three parents picked up their kids before 8pm.

Our kids were getting ready for bed. I’m looking at William, wanting to strip him and throw him down on the table.

Parents of kids number three do not arrive.

They don’t arrive at 8:30. My kids are in bed.

Their mom finally arrives at 8:45. We invite her in. We talk. I politely point out that her youngest is crashed on the sofa. I hint that she might want to get her three kids in bed.

Finally, I say “William’s been away for four days, he just got home a couple of hours ago. I’m sure you want to get home to Your Man.”

She said, “Oh, no. He’s on his way here.”

? !

William smiled.

I smiled (or was it a snarl?)

I wanted to yell:
I’ve watched your kids since 4:15. I fed them an after school snack, I made sure they did their homework, I fed them a VERY healthy dinner (grilled fish, rice, snow peas, salad, fresh fruit for dessert) taking into account their allergies and the dietary restrictions of your religion, my kids are in bed, I need my man, I want you to leave.

Her Man walked in. The guys start talking. And sometimes we do stay up late with friends talking – really late. That is fun once in awhile. But tonight, I just wasn’t in the mood (for friends, that is!)

I sat there listening to teacher soap opera politics and trying to listen in on what the guys were talking about and then also talking to myself “Lynn are you just being a selfish b*tch who doesn’t even make time for your friends?”

I gave them an hour. We ate, we drank, we talked, their kids crashed on our sofa. But when the clock struck 10, I got her out of the room and told her the truth. I know I’m all open on my blog and everything, but I haven’t really spilled my guts to this friend before.

“Listen, William has been gone for 4 days and 13 hours. I want to – well, you know. Some other time would be great, but right now we need our privacy.”

She gave me a blank look. I couldn’t tell if she got it or was upset. But they went peacefully into the night within 15 minutes!

Yay!!!

Tip 5: Turn ons

2009-09-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

William has been out of town a few days. Of course I miss him and fantasize about stripping him, throwing him into bed and…more!

Fantasizing about William has got me thinking about turn ons. And also has me wondering if what I think of as a turn on, is the same as William.

When I first see William (tomorrow!), I want to touch his face, I want to kiss his ears, maybe I even want to bite his neck.

Here’s what I like:
1. I like to touch William's eyes and eyebrows and then lean in and kiss his eyes
2. I like to do tiny small kisses along his ears
3. I like to bite his arm pits (I know this is strange, but he has really nice pecs)
4. I like to take his clothes off
5. I like to kiss unexpected places like the front of the elbow, the dip in the top of the sternum, the spaces between knuckles
6. I like to suck his fingers (maybe gross to some, but hey it’s the truth!)

As I daydream about my love returning home I can’t help but wonder, does he like any of the above six things?

I suspect he really doesn’t like number 3. I actually have evidence that he doesn’t like number 3. He screams “Ow!” if I bite too hard. He’s also taken to putting on deodorant immediately after stepping out of the shower. And over time the square inches of skin covered by deodorant has grown (hmmm… is it deodorant, or Lynn repellant?)

So, does he like me kissing his eyes? Sucking his fingers? Undressing him (probably yes to undressing!) or is he just patiently waiting thinking I sure wish Lynn would leave my fingers alone so we can get it on
And now that I’m wondering I have to ask.

I challenge you to do the same. Make a list of what you like and then ask you lover, partner, spouse what they think!

Have fun!

Fighting the Grouchy Lady with s3x talk

2009-08-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, I’m not going to blog about how crazy my kids are making me… I’m going to blog about how crazy a complete stranger almost made me.

I was blasting the car radio to “She wants it” (yeah, well – whatever – I like that song and I turn it up really loud, so no one will hear me singing off tune)

We pull into the parking lot at the HAPPY MEGA GROCERY, I turned off the car and

Ashton immediately asked: What won’t she say Mom?

I was like: Who what?

Ashton: The lady on the song. He says ‘she won’t say, she won’t say, I have to give it to her.’

I was just about to make up something about ‘her’ wanting to be a girl friend and him having to ‘give her ---‘ I don’t know? my mind didn’t fill in the blank. I may have been thinking something like ‘flowers’

But my thoughts were interrupted by Stranger Lady. She stood there in the parking lot, glaring at us giving us major grumpy look.

I gave her a look, like ‘What?’

She said, “Your music is really loud. And you had your child in the car with you.”

I just grabbed Ashton’s hand as we got close to her.

She said, “Are you trying to blow out your child’s ear drums?”

I so wanted to argue with her about music and ear drums and being obnoxious in public, but I got a better idea. I stopped right in front of her and answered Ashton’s question.

I bent down, looked him in the eye and…

I told him the truth. “In that song he doesn’t sing ‘she won’t say’ he sings ‘she wants it’ and he’s talking about sex. He thinks the girl wants sex with him. So when he sings ‘I’ve got to give it to her’ he means he’s got to have sex with her. At least that’s what I think he’s singing about. Sometimes people can hear the same song and think different things.”

I looked up for the woman and… she’d walked away. (Probably after the first time I said sex) Off to grump at someone else, I guess.

Tip 4: Play

2009-08-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, I’m all about playing with your kids. But you need to play with your lover too.

I’m not talking about s3x play and foreplay or even romance, really.

I’m talking about having fun - tossing a beach ball, throwing a Frisbee, kicking a can down the street, something physical and fun.

William is a super runner dude and running is a lonely sport –especially for him because I only run to catch the ice cream truck. I go to an old lady water aerobics class twice a week and swim on my own just for exercise –but it’s not fun (I’m about as good at swimming as I am at running). But it is also important that we have our fun moments each day – like throwing sticks to our dog, working together to keep a balloon in the air, or laughing because I can’t hit a birdie with a badminton racket to save my life.

You don’t need to join a gym, buy equipment or get a babysitter. When the kids are asleep take their most annoying stuffed animal and toss it across the living room to each other. The point is to have fun together.

If you really hate being (or are unable to be) physically active – find another way to play. Make the person you love laugh at least once a day.

All Around the House

2009-08-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

Kids sleeping at night is a good thing. It is good for the children –their growth and development. And it is good for parents.

So get your kids to sleep people! I don’t care how (short of drugging them or otherwise harming them).

The inspiration for this post comes from a doc-in-the-box temp. He was in our office ONE DAY. And turned everything upside down. This was when I worked at a pediatric walk-in clinic. (urgent care in some places).

Mom came in with 4 kids ages 6, 4, 2 and 10 months. The 10 month old had a developmental concern that was NOT the reason for the visit. The visit was routine – fever, ear infection something like that.

Doc did exam. I did follow up. The family was processed at the desk. And out the door.

Doc corners me and demands I phone the family to speak with them about “sleep issues.” The problem? Family bed. Doc is very concerned. “They need to stop the family bed. Call them and tell them.”

He was scientific. “Research shows it can be helpful to establish a nursing relationship in the first few weeks of life, but we’re beyond that now. The infant is ten months old.”

He was concerned. “That baby is special needs. She’ll never be independent if she sleeps with her parents.”

He was insane. “And the parents. How can the ever have s3x with all those kids in the bed? It will destroy their marriage.”

He was insistent. “Call them, Lynn. Tell them to stop the family bed.”

Let’s back up a second. How old are the kids? 6, 4, 2 & 10 months! I think these SMART parents did manage to figure out a way to have s3x. And keep having it again and again and again.

Because many of us who have children understand that there is more than one room available to romantically connect. And more surfaces besides the bed.

I’m starting a new section on s3x in the pantry “All Around the House” dedicated to all of the wonderful places in the house for romance.

You already know William and I like the pantry – what’s your favorite spot?

Get Cookin'!

2009-08-23T02:41:00.000-07:00

This book is my favorite gift for wedding showers. I've even started giving it at baby showers. Love, s3x, romance, food -what could be better?

The recipes in this book are wonderful. The photos are delicious.

What's your favorite love food?

The Happiness Average

2009-08-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

This situation happened years ago, but I still think about it from time to time.

I was working in a large hospital on the medical-surgical floor and the husband of one of my patients phoned repeatedly with questions about flowers.

Patient’s husband call 1: Can I bring flowers to my wife.
Me: yes

Patient’s husband call 2: Are there certain flowers I’m not allowed to bring?
Me: bring any flowers you like.

Patient’s husband call 3: I’ve got the florist on hold, are roses okay?
Me: Roses are GREAT!

Patient’s husband call 4: Is there a limit to the number of flowers? Can I bring a lot?
Me: Bring as many as you like
Thinking - just quit calling and let me get to work (!)

Well, he showed up with 50 -yes, FIFTY- big red roses. Standing by his recovering wife’s side he said, “Today we’re celebrating 50 happy years of marriage, and---“
She elbowed him, interrupting. “We are NOT!”
He went on “50 happy years and that’s not a bad average out of 53.”
She looked at me, “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We’ve been married 53 years.” She studied the clock. “In two hours and twenty minutes it will be exactly 53 years.”

But I knew what he was talking about. He didn’t deny the 53 years, but said that 50 of them were happy and that “wasn’t a bad average.”

I don’t know what a “good average” is, but three years seems like a lot of unhappy days. I know marriage is built on good times and bad times and helping each other through the worst times.

This man with his massive bouquet of roses really reminded me to do my best to make every day of my marriage full of love. Because those days add up to weeks and months and years.

When William and I hit 53 years, I hope we’re celebrating 52+ years of happiness!

Emotional Affairs and other lies

2009-08-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

I love my bff, Jenna, and we had a great time camping with her and her kids (and her great big dog). But everyone has their quirks and Jenna seems to actually like talk radio. Driving home one of the radio hosts went on a rant about men who have “emotional affairs.”

Emotional affairs defined as: they think about other women. Yes think about them. Want to help them. Or be with them. Talk to them. Confide in them. Share thoughts with them. Converse with them. Maybe even tell them a joke at the water cooler.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say, as far as I can tell, there is NO SUCH THING as an emotional affair. And any woman who is going to get her panties in a wad because her man talks to or thinks about another female should go commando for a few days and liberate herself.

Come on, people!!

Here’s the deal. Everyone THINKS!

My grandma used to gush about Paul Newman (yeah, really the salad dressing guy) and my mom had the hots for Tom Selleck (yes, I’ll admit it, but I don’t know if she will). Does that mean they were having an emotional affairs?

Really, what does it take to have an emotional affair? An imagination? Creativity? Desire?

If my grandma was daydreaming about Paul Newman, is it any big deal? What if she turned her head during s3x with my grandpa and imagined Paul breathing on her neck instead? Is that an emotional affair? PLEASE!

I call it being HUMAN.

Sure I wish William lusted after me and only me. But I know he is a man with hormones and blood cells and erectile functions and an imagination. I bet at least once in our dozen plus years together he’s looked at some hot chick and though “I bet she’d be fun.”

But we have something called trust. That means I trust him to keep it in his pants and he trusts me to keep my pants on.

Because the way we define an affair, it’s about doing it, really doing it not just thinking about it.

There’s fantasy and then there’s reality. In reality an affair is actually doing it – and we all have the same definition of it, right?

Camping

2009-08-07T02:07:00.000-07:00

Won't be blogging for awhile...going camping with my three kids, bff and her two kids + great big dog.

It will be fun.

Can't post without telling about Brice embarrassing me in the market today. His stomach was grumbling -v loudly. I asked, "Honey, are you hungry?"

"No," he said, "that's just my stomach farting!"

Knock Knock

2009-08-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Cassidy was playing with the girl next door yesterday afternoon and the boys were out at an event.

William and I got the surprise no parent likes to get...hearing our sweet daughter's voice outside the bedroom door and the door handle wiggle.

We weren't hitting it or anything, but we weren't dressed either.

I yelled for her to knock! knock! knock! and growled "Don't open a door without knocking"

What I didn't expect to hear as I got close to the door was Cassie's sweet voice saying, "Grandma, Mom's freaking out about me going into their bedroom."

She was talking to my Mom on the phone!!!

Grrrr.... I didn't even hear the phone ring...

I can't even count the times my three kids have embarrassed me in front of my parents. This must be some kind of payback!

Simmering and Smoking

2009-07-31T10:31:00.000-07:00

One sweet Saturday afternoon when our baby was one and the boys were 4 & 7, we employed the movie hypnosis trick that I blogged about here . Cassie was asleep. The boys were in movieland and I gave them the instructions, “Unless one of you are bleeding or the house is on fire, do not disturb Mommy and Daddy.” And I grabbed William from the kitchen and pulled him down the hall into the bedroom. And afterward we fell asleep.

It was the really good drool-a-river-out-of-your-mouth kind of daytime sleep.

Until we were interrupted by Aston knocking on our door.

I woke up in Mommy mode. “What are you doing? Is someone bleeding? Is there a fire?”

Ashton was silent. Brice got up the courage to inform us, “smoke, smoke, smoke.”

William had been cooking something up in the kitchen (before he started cooking in the bedroom) and it had burnt to a crisp, even the handles of the big pot were melted and warped.

William: It was just supposed to simmer. How long did we sleep?

Porn for Women

2009-07-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

Check out Chronicle Books Porn for Women Books

They have a fun site with a little quiz & several books to chose from including PORN FOR NEW MOMS and PORN FOR WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE.

You can also send ecards to your friends... have fun!

Tip 3: No TV

2009-07-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

The best thing for our s3x life ever is limiting TV to the extreme. Ashton (our oldest) didn’t even know what TV was until he was about three years old. When he was six and Brice three, William and I found we could hypnotize the boys using movies.

We would set them up in front of the TV with instructions – unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire, don’t disturb Mommy and Daddy’s nap. [Once something did catch fire during one of the mommy-daddy nap sessions, but I’ll save that for another post]

Of course, when Cassidy came around it became much more difficult to find movies that would keep all of their attention (all three kids are three years apart – there are few movies that a 3 yo girl will love that will also keep the attention of a 9 yo boy!) But we make it work. Pick two movies, kids (see how much Mommy and Daddy love you?)

We watch TV very carefully (though the kids are 6, 9 & 12 now). William is addicted to a sports team, but he only watches on his laptop in the office and claims to be working. The TV stayes behind the closed doors of our entertainment center during the day. We only crack it open after they are all asleep. Friday night we have 'family movie night' make popcorn and pick a movie everyone will like.

Another advantage to limited viewing is that because the TV is never on, it is never a struggle in our daily life with the kids asking to watch this or that and us saying ‘no’. The answer was always ‘no’ unless Mommy and Daddy turn on the magic TV make our escape.

FYI if you can find the old versions of some movies, they are much longer than the movies put out today – Chitty Little Bang Bang is almost two hours.

Know any good long movies?

I Lie

2009-07-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be a blog about love and life and really making the most out of your love life…but it is also about love and relationships and parenting.

And, the truth is, I lie.

I lie to William and I do it in front of the kids. (He doesn’t read this blog –thank God)

It goes like this:
William gets upset about little things (usually little things caused by little humans).
And I can’t stand them getting yelled at for virtually nothing.
So, I take the blame.

But it is stupid. Because they know I’m lying to cover for them. And, I suspect, sometimes he knows I’m lying too.

I guess I think that each bout of yelling I eliminate it will lead to a more peaceful house. It’s not like this happens all the time – sometimes a week goes by and it doesn’t happen. Other times twice in one week.

I remember when the kids were little, we decided we wouldn’t raise our voices unless it was important –so they would know a loud noise from us means danger. With everything else –teaching them language, giving them directions, we would try to be polite and respectful. They were little tiny beings, still trying to figure out the world.

But, now that they are older, we (I grouch too, not only William) raise our voices more.

Yes, kids can be frustrating. VERY VERY frustrating. But why yell about little things?
Who left the light on?
Why is the honey still sitting on the table?
I thought I said to put (whatever) away!
Why am I tripping over these toys?

So, I just say, “I did it.” “I’m sorry, it was me, I’ll clean it up.”

It is odd. Because I think I’m ‘strong woman.’ Strong Mama. But when I read over what I just wrote, I have one thought only: Am I the biggest wimp in history? Or what?

Tip 2: The Movie Rule

2009-07-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

Do you actually have time to watch a movie together?

Kids are asleep? Away?

LUCKY YOU!

Don’t forget the movie rule: S3X first -> movie second

Why?

Because chances are one or both of you are going to fall asleep before the movie is over
…and…
Some movies are gross. If there is any chance a movie is going to make you feel –sad sad sad or feel like barfing your brains out then you will not be in the mood for romance.

S3XinthePantry is all about romance

So….get it on before you push play (unless you’re watching that other kind of movie)

TIP 1: S3X in the Pantry!

2009-07-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

Yeah, really

Your kids won't look for you there

If you are seriously afraid they will come looking you can:
-lean against the door
-get a real lock for the door
-invest in a simply chain lock